Going to College

Our children dance away......

in the rain of our tears.

                                                                

                                                                                               rzm daisygirl77

The Gift of a Glimpse

You allowed me a snapshot, a brief moment to go back to my youth, a chance to hang out with my brother again, laugh and be ridiculous, care free and irresponsible.

Only when I looked up, did the mirror confirm what my heart already knew, those days had passed  me by.

My time had come and gone. My glimpse was a gift. It was meant to  be a reflection and nothing more. It was a pick me up and put me on my feet again moment.  It is time to refocus on my present and embrace where I am now in life.
It is time for me to love myself as I am, and to start pursuing all I hope to become.

Even as I look at  the tasks that lie  before me; do I  realize  that  I have managed to cheat ten years.

I look beside me and  there are bike rides and walks to take, sand castles to build and tears to wipe dry.  Little women to raise.

The bar stool I have been sitting on is worn by many "go nowhere" memories of those who have shared it before me.

I am thankful that I did not waste months or years sitting here in this go nowhere place doing go nowhere things with go nowhere people.

My dreams and 'to dos' are written on a list which  I have memorized.

The first one....I will love and value myself to teach my daughters to love and value themselves.
The second one....Inspire my daughters by inspiring myself.
Admit when I am wrong.
Clean up my messes.
Start a blog
Get a website
Write a book
Learn to speak another language
Get a Passport stamp in my Passport at least every 2 years.
Keep a list of dreams and goals until the day I die.


daisygirl77 rzm

Sunshine in the Shadows

JARED ZIMMERMAN: YOU AS A FORMER WRESTLER BROKE THE MOLD AND STEPPED OUTSIDE YOUR ARMOR AND ADMITTED YOU NEEDED HELP, ASKED FOR HELP, AND ARE HEALING.

Dear Jared. When I watched your video my initial thought was that by being able to share the path you walked you did something that was potentially life altering for many. This morning I realized what it was that was so profound to me about your video. To fully explain, I have to share a quote from your Dad in the article CMU wrote, "Removing the Armor: Former Student's Suicide Reveals Struggle to Ask for Help"

From the article: Calvin described him [Justin Zimmerman} as reserved, but a deep and reflective thinker. The pain of a role model falling below his own standards stayed bottled up inside, and his closest friends and family were always kept unaware of his inner struggle.
"What I think we do such a great job in (wrestling) is of building men to be so strong that they can't break," Calvin said. "We don’t do a good job of recognizing or teaching the fact that physical pain is different than mental pain. The missing thing I can think of that wouldn’t allow him to reach out is he had built an armor around himself. He had compassion; he could reach out to others’ problems, but I don’t know if he saw it as a sign of weakness to reach out for himself."

What you have done Jared that is so profound is this: as a very successful athlete, with a wrestler's strength and mentality; you like your brother were built to be strong as a wrestler and not break. You were able to live in my home, in our lives, and hide how deep and dark the place was that you were in. You had an armor around yourself. Your Dad would call me and we knew you were depressed, we knew you were hurting but it took you reaching out for anyone to realize how deep into depression you had fallen.
Your is a story that needs to be told and shared with every single wrestler, athlete, young man....those strong courageous, well mannered, funny, hard working young men that we somehow feel will always overcome adversity. Even when we knew you were hurting, when we cried with you and for you; you were able to put up that armor that protected you and fooled even me. I was on a careful watch and even with my gut feeling was telling me to dig deeper; I respected your pain and strength and privacy you requested.
I am nobody special in this story; I could be the mom, the dad, the sister, the brother, the aunt, the uncle, the coach, the cousin, the best friend.
You Jared Zimmerman are the athlete, the accomplished young man that your dad was referencing in this article. There are many many young men like you and Justin. We raise you and train you and love you and take pride in you every day. We believe in your strength. We believe we would know if you truly needed us. Our family is not isolated. Suicide and tragic accidents are claiming too many lives.
I watch your video and I see a profound opportunity for coaches to learn from a life that did not end tragically 1. because you were able to realize the love and pain and devastation that resulted from Justin's death. 2. You went home like Justin did; but you asked for help and counseling and knew you needed it.
Jared, I am so proud of you. Our entire family and your community of friends are proud of you. Your story will change more than one life. Your story has the potential to help so many. It is not by accident you are here sharing your story. You tell it. Tell it for all of the Justin's that could not find the strength to break their own armor. I will share your story and Justin's story. It is too important.
Like Erin said yesterday, " I felt like the world was crying for him today. That's how much of an impact he had." I personally don't' think we will ever be able to fill the void that has been left or quit wishing for a different ending.

Through sharing his story and your own and even many other stories that resulted from one of those "rare suicides that no one saw coming", You have allowed us inside the armor and have also taught a very valuable lesson to those of us who need to learn more.

Thank you for sharing so unselfishly. Inspire One Fitness is about inspiring one. You have and will continue to do so. Justin's death will not be in vain. I am thankful for your story, for your life and for the healing of each member of your wonderful family.

I love you dearly, we all do.

Aunt Rena

p.s. I know this probably is blog material; however; I can think of no better way to fill my pages. I hope my letter to you will "inspire one and save a life". You and your family inspire me each and every day.

Sunshine in Broken Places

In the cold chill of morning, I cracked the front door to let our dog Bear out. Unlike most mornings; Bear ran toward our garage barking noisily.
I rushed out in the still morning still covered in darkness,  to hush him and bring him in; when I saw a small child who lived down the road, wearing only a flannel shirt, jeans and tennis shoes in the thirty something degrees frost bitten morning air.  I went to him and asked him why he was at our home so early.  He quietly told me that he had been sent to my home 4o minutes before the bus arrived as  a punishment for forgetting his boots. He had no coat.   

This was day number two that he had arrived at our house to stand in the cold alone in the pre-dawn darkness but this morning it was much earlier than the day yesterday...

I gave him a tight hug and made him a very warm bed of blankets against my garage door and put a pillow under his little head. He smiled and said thank you and then  asked if he could have something to eat and requested the same cheese nips as yesterday.  Cold and hunger are two things that bother me most when it comes to children. Pain and fear are more than my heart can bear. 

I got them and went inside to my daughters and asked them to please not talk about this child's life with anyone. The lessons they learned the past two mornings are lessons that only the broken places of life are able to teach.  They took care of him instinctively and  threw the blankets in the garage quickly when they heard the bus approach.  I saw he left behind the shirt I had given him to wear.  We kept the blankets and shirt ready again.  

Today is the anniversary of our youngest brother Shannon's death. He died unexpectedly and tragically in a car accident at the age of 22.  I had planned on writing a blog in his memory and I may still do so  but...

instead I found sunshine in the most broken place as I realized that God sent this small child to my home because he knew I would care for, and love him as much as I am able to do.  In what could have been a very dark and scary moment of his young life; I was able to place some warmth, kindness and sunshine in his life. I was able to build some trust. 

I have learned that sometimes I  can not change a person's life; but I can certainly do whatever I am able to do to add any amount of sunshine to their  lives and hopefully make their path a little easier. 

In caring for this child; I was touched personally.  These are the moments that have shaped me and are shaping my children. The sunshine for me today was in providing warmth and food and kindness for the broken child that found his way to my doorstep.  

I can not change the past or erase any pain I have known; but I can make a difference in each day and look around me with eyes that wish to see; and hands that desire to help.

It is in helping others that I am giving the greatest gift to myself and my daughters.  

Sometimes I wonder if my desire to reach out is more than a reaction.  Am I simply paying forward the many acts of love and rescue and care that were extended to me as a small child? I have little recollection but I know there were many angels.  There have always been angels. 

I embrace these moments when unexpectedly I am honored with the gift of being a guardian angel to someone else.  That is my hearts greatest wish; and my souls brightest sunshine. 


daisy girl 77 rzm

The Screenplay of My Life

The Screenplay of My Life

You helped me write the screenplay of my life.

The final chapter,

the happy ending I never thought I'd see.

you were always the one for me.

Your love for me erased,

all the years I longed to see your face.

In the whisper of the wind I hear your voice calling

wanting me, needing me, why are we still stalling?

...wasting more days, when so many have been thrown away. 

in the breeze of our lives, days just blown away.

I sit here missing you,

an ache that fills my soul,

my skin so craves your touch. I love you so very much.

Unsolicited, I sought you, I found you,
my arms they wrapped around you,

and yours around me.

My soul is home.

I could die here, wrapped in your arms,
feel complete, and whole, and eternally happy.

I am no longer crying.

I simply know you are the one.

I look in your eyes and you come alive.

I see in you, what I feel in me;

You love me too.

~daisygirl77 rzm

Musician of My Soul Twenty Years Later

Musician of my Soul....Twenty Years Later

In the private recesses

of my mind,

you have remained safely hidden away.

I placed you high upon a shelf,

tucked behind pictures

I refused to look at;

music I would no longer let myself hear.

I covered your memory;

until you were obscured from my view,

from my mind.

You, my musician, with your melancholy horn;

remained safely where I needed you to be...

...no more tears

...no more waiting

...no more longing for you.

my life moved on;

the stage although different,

became very familiar...

very safe.

In the private recesses of my mind,

your cry, like the whisper of the wind;

beckoned me,
from years gone by.

I began to take a peek;

then, longing to know more;

began seeking you out with obsessive curiosity...

still, I remained safely hidden

in the fortress of anonymity

I'd created

Then one night, our story turned full circle.

The long drawn out cry of a saxophone

echoed from the hollows of my soul.

With brave resolve,

I found you,

your voice drawing me in,

I called again,

and again.

Finally, I mustered the courage to leave you a secret;

a name that only my musician would know....

with no regrets,y

only a curiosity,

long aroused, at last I slept.

Like magic and a dream come true...
I awaken in the morning to you.

Once again, my heart hears your voice,

I see you

I feel you

I touch you...

the passage of time becomes nothing,
as my heart recognizes the music

my soul has yearned for.

Unexpectedly, irrevocably

I am once again, sitting at your stage,

waiting,

      hoping,

            praying...

your stories, your music, your life,

I am captivated,

moved.....

and hold my breath once again,

waiting for the next moment,

I can see you,
feel you,

touch you.

Too late, I recognize my inability

to find my way back

to where this journey began.

Twenty years later

you remain,

the one and only,

musician of my soul.

                                                rzm

                                   ~  daisygirl77reflections

The Musician of My Soul

The Musician of My Soul

Like the long drawn out cry of the saxophone,

you lure me in,

Closer

                        closer…

wanting to hear more;

needing to feel you,

you move me, play me, caress me,

the musician of my soul.

Playing the notes that grasp my heartstrings,

I am drawn to you,

closer

closer….

Too late, I realize I am sitting at your stage,

lingering too long…the music is over.

Yet, through the smoke-like confusion,

I cannot find my way back to where this journey began.

With no map, no direction, no choice

I follow you.

I am waiting,

hoping,

praying,

for the melancholy horn once again.

daisygirl77 rzm

The Broken Child Within

The Broken Child Within

Broken Child Within

(our journey back to Dayton, TN)

We spend our lives healing

the broken children within...breaking ourselves

again and again.

in seeking we find, where our

journey began; to heal all the pain

buried deeply within.

When we take a step back

and look once again....little girls now grow up,

our lives can begin.

daisy girl 77 

Rhondie and Rena

our journey home. 2015

Broken Pieces of Me

broken pieces of me

♥     broken pieces of me    ♥

i thought my heart was healed,

only to find out,  I have been

carrying around; all the pieces of me.

like Humpty Dumpty...

all the kings horses and

all the kings men,

no one can put me together again.

i have been broken too many times.

                    rzm daisy girl 12-27-15 un